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In Person and Online Therapy Sessions Available | (616) 309 0737
2460 Burton St SE #101, Grand Rapids, MI 49546

Why Grief Isn’t Linear: Coping With the Unexpected Waves

What we think we know about grief often leaves us unprepared for its impact. We all experience loss, but, as a society, we don’t talk enough about it. On top of that, when we do discuss grief, it can cause us more confusion. Take, for example, the concept of “stages.” There’s a common misconception out there that the mourning period is linear — it follows a familiar path.

But there is something of value in understanding how we got here. You see, stages exist, but so do waves. In other words, most of us will go through specific emotions. Yet, even so, those stages will arrive in unpredictable waves.

The Stages of Grief

Woman sitting by the docks

The lists began with these five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Eventually, some clinicians expanded that to these seven stages:

  • Shock and denial
  • Pain and guilt
  • Anger and bargaining
  • Depression
  • The upward turn
  • Reconstruction and working through
  • Acceptance and hope

For most people, all of the above will arrive during their bereavement period. But again, these emotions and mindsets operate on their own volition. It’s not linear. You’d be well-served to perceive the path of grief as a maze in the dark. You know there will be twists and turns, but you can’t see what’s coming next. You can’t tell how long each chapter will last.

This makes much more sense than a clear road map. If someone you love is gone, there’s no rational reason to expect things to move on a clear, straight path.

How to Cope With the Unexpected Waves of Grief

For starters, keep reminding yourself that you don’t have to run someone else’s race. We all grieve differently — as it should be. There’s no one correct way to handle loss, but there are some choices that can be counterproductive. With that in mind, here are a few factors to consider:

  • Do not suppress your emotions. When you allow yourself to feel what you need to feel, you can better process and resolve the complex waves that arrive out of nowhere.
  • Try to not get caught up in well-intentioned but insensitive comments. Folks will bombard you with cliches. No one needs an outsider to say, “Be strong” or “Move on.” Because we all don’t talk enough about grief, this might be what you get. You’re free to not take any of this to heart.
  • There is no finish line. When a loved one dies, your life is changed forever. You don’t have to feel sad from now on, but it is very helpful to not assume it just stops hurting at some point.
  • Grief is not a contest. How long or how intensely we grieve is not a healthy way to measure how we feel about the person we lost. Even when things feel like they’re improving, you can get triggered by reminders like anniversaries, birthdays, etc.
  • Don’t self-isolate. You’ll be tempted to withdraw, but grief is best tackled with loved ones supporting us.

All that said, complicated grief is real. Any of us can struggle mightily with an ongoing sense of despair. This is ideally addressed with the help of a mental health professional. In fact, it makes the most sense to seek out a therapist in the early days of bereavement — before things can get confusing, prolonged, and complicated.

The Help You Need Is Available

Grief can leave you feeling misunderstood. It feels like no one gets it. You’re lonely because all you’re getting are lines like, “They’re in a better place.” Your grief therapy sessions are far more nuanced. Your therapist understands and can offer the precise kind of help you need and deserve.

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